HPotter and the Goblet of Old Odgen's Firewhiskey
by JuicyJuice
Summary: This is a parody of HPGOF. It really has nothing to do with Firewhiskey..yet. I just thought it'd be a good title because it spells out HPGOOF. hahaha. R/R please!
1. The Riddle House

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Old Odgen's Firewhiskey  
  
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING except maybe my flip-flops.  
  
A/N-This is a parody of GOF, which should be obvious. I would like to warn you right now that the first chapter is not very good, but please, please, pleeeeease read further. It gets much better, or at least I think so.  
  
Chapter 1-The Riddle House  
  
The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it "the Riddle House" even though it had been many years since the Riddles had lived there. The villagers, however, were unaware of this and merely figured that their snotty, rich neighbors had become even more impolite and had stopped coming out of the house. This surprised no one; everyone hated the Riddles and, though they had not been seen for nearly fifty years, there was still much nasty gossip about them.  
Another thing that didn't surprise anyone was a local cook's announcement that Frank Bryce had been arrested (this occurred on the same night that the Riddles had died, but that is a moot point as no one knew about it.) Frank was a young, local hoodlum. Fifty years later, he was an old, local hoodlum. Old age was beginning to get to him, but, because he was anxious not to let it show, he planned to break into the Riddle House and maybe catch a glimpse of the Riddle's.  
However, as we all know, they were dead. Instead, once he had broken in easily, Frank heard their grandchild upstairs. He crept up the dusty steps and down a hall until he was right outside the door. He heard a cold, high, decidedly feminine voice from inside. He tried to eavesdrop, but it didn't really work. All the woman was talking about, in a very evil manner, was worm tails, wizards and milking Nagini.  
"Mooooooo," Frank heard from the end of the hall, "Moooo!"  
"Mooomoooooomo," the woman inside the room answered. Frank could make out the shape of a cow through the darkness. He tried to run and find a place to hide, but, conveniently for this plot, he became temporarily paralyzed. The animal that walked by him, still mooing, was the evilest looking pink cow he had ever seen. But before you laugh at Nagini the cow, you must remember that even evil, pink cows need to be loved.  
"Worm tail," the woman said. What was she going on about, "Nagini the Evil, Pink Cow claims that there is a Muggle cinnamon bun in the hall listening to our every word.or perhaps she said human.I really must brush up on my Moomouth before we brutally murder Harry Potter. After that I'll have a very busy schedule.So many Mudbloods to kill.Ooh! And all those Muggles! But which to kill first." the woman paused in thought for an extremely long time in thought. Through all this, Frank was still suffering from paralysis, "Hmm.what was I saying? Oh yes, invite the Muggle in. Worm tail."  
The door was flung open and there stood a small, rat-like man.  
"Run!" he shouted wildly and together Frank Bryce and Peter Pettigrew used their thick skulls to crash throught the stone wall. Frank was too old and the impact of the ground killed him, but not before Voldemort threw open the window and shouted down to him (I'm not sure how he did this as he still didn't have a proper body, but he managed to manage).  
"I can read your mind! And I am not a woman, I am a very proper man, thank you! Just because my voice never changed doesn't mean I'm not manly!" Then he added, "Wormtail, you are irritating. Get your ratty-ass up here. That escape attempt was nearly as bad as the one when you jumped off that cliff singing "I Believe I Can Fly"! 


	2. The Singing Scar

Chapter 2-The Singing Scar  
  
Harry lay flat on his back, breathing hard. He had awoken from a vivid dream. The old scar on his forehead, which vaguely resembled and bolt of lightning, was playing loud music. Aretha Franklin, actually ("R-E- S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me"). He got up and put on his glasses. He crossed the room and peered into the mirror. He examined the scar closely. It looked normal, but was still singing ("Ooh! Your kisses, sweeter than honey!").  
"Harry tried to recall what his dream had been about. It had been so real.Malfoy in lime green stilettos.up on stage.There had been dancing purple and orange elephants, Harry was sure of it.and a high, cold voice singing the very song that was now coming out of his scar.the voice of Snape. Harry felt as though an ice cube had slipped down into his stomach at the very thought of Snape singing.  
He closed his eyes tightly and tried to remember what Snape had looked like, but it was impossible.All Harry knew was that the moment the curtain had swung open, and he, Harry, had seen Snape standing there, he had felt a spasm of horror, which had awoken him.maybe it had been the red tube top.  
And who had the old man been? Harry had watched him attempt to disco until he fell to the ground, dead. And who really cares who the old man was? Not me, certainly.  
Now that that's settled, lets fast forward a bit. Don't worry, you're not missing much. All that happens is Dudley goes on a diet and Harry has a truly boring correspondence with Sirius Black.  
Anyway, about a week after Harry's truly disturbing dream, the whole frickin' Weasley family showed up in the Dursley's living room dressed in purple Quidditch robes.  
"How did you all get here?" asked Vernon, "If I'd known you were coming, Petunia could have gotten a nice tea ready."  
"Don't bother, really," the Weasley's said in unison.  
"We're here to get Harry," said Percy with his nose up in the air for no particular reason.  
"Who?" asked Vernon.  
"Harry!"  
"Harry? Hmph. I don't know one.Lo siento, mis amigos, pero Harry no esta aqui." ("Sorry my friends, but Harry is not here").  
"At that moment Harry walkied in, "How did you get here?!" was his greeting.  
"Flea powder," sang Ron, "We came through the fir and fire places don't like fleas." Now that he looked, Harry noticed a good deal of white powder all over their robes and in their hair.  
"Ah," he said wisely and then, noticing his Uncle, he added, "Don't mind him, Dudley hit him over the head with his Smeltings stick for suggesting a diet."  
"Dudley's on a diet?" Fred and George chorused, "We'll go get your stuff, Harry!" Then they casually pulled out several brightly colored sweets and cackled madly in such a manner that it did not occur to anyone that they might've been up to something.  
As they waited for the twins to return, Mr. Weasley struck up a one- sided conversation about plugs and batteries with Mr. Dursley, who was nodding with a dazed lookand saying "Si, senor," at random moments. Ron and Harry used this time to do some catching up.  
"Wazzup, ma homie?" asked Harry.  
"I have not been doing anything over the summer," replied Ron primly.  
"For real? Nuttin? Da word on da street is 'at Hermione's at your place. You aint been doin' no getting jiggy, if ya' know what I mean?"  
"I do not know what you are talking about," said Ron.  
"Eh? So no action.Well, dat's aight. Always next summer, eh, ma brudda?" he laughed, "Jus' chillin'.Me too, bro, me too."  
Before they could say anything more they heard loud laughing from the staircase. Then Fred and George burst in, carrying Harry's things with. . . Dudley?  
"Hey Dad!" said Dudley, "Look what these guys made me able to do!" He opened hi mouth and rolled his tongue out like a frog. It went nearly across the room. The tongue advanced upon Ginny, who had a half-eaten cinnamon roll in her hands. The roll stuck to his tongue and he drew it back into his mouth and finished it with a loud swallow.  
"Que bueno," said Uncle Vernon, looking out the window. ("How nice").  
Everyone (except Vernon, Fred and George) watched in horror as Dudley displayed his new ability, breaking several ornaments on the mantelpiece in the process.  
"Let's leave," said Bill and Charlie, who were both so bored they had been reduced to doing ballet twirls to amuse themselves.  
Mrs. Wealsey hastily brushed some flea powder on Harry and tossed him into the fireplace.  
He was spinning furiously and the world was a blur of bright colors.kind of like a bag of Skittles. After what felt like 92.5 seconds, he was spit out into the Weasley kitchen.  
  
A/N-How'd you like it? Please give me comments by clicking the little button down below and then typing them in. Thanks a gazillion! I would also like you to compare Harry's dream in my story with JKR's. They're in a very similar format which makes it very funny. Hopefully Chpt. 3 is on its way! 


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